


Unknown feelings

by Melime



Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: Community: femslashficlets, F/F, Repression, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:15:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24698941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: Neela didn't even know what she wanted
Relationships: Abby Lockhart/Neela Rasgotra
Collections: femslashficlets: queer women's literature quotes challenge





	Unknown feelings

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [Sentimentos desconhecidos](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24698947) by [Melime GreenLeaf (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime%20GreenLeaf)



> Prompt: 10. We have been raised to fear the yes within ourselves, our deepest cravings. Audre Lorde, Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power

Neela was always too hesitant, so afraid of having to stand up for herself that she would rather not even think about what she wanted or needed. Even if it meant looking back and not realizing how she got there, what she was doing with her life.

It seemed like every decision she made for herself was the wrong one, like she could only stumble upon the right one by accident, or by someone else’s influence. The one time she tried to act completely by herself with no regards to what other people might think, she almost destroyed her career, alienated her family and most of her friends, and learned that she didn’t have any significant skills that could translate outside the medical field.

At first, it wasn’t about denying what she wanted, because she truly didn’t know. She didn’t know what it meant. Talking to Abby in the ambulance bay, electricity running through her veins, a desperate need for something she couldn’t name, so she blamed it all on adrenaline, the rush of her first major tragedy. She wasn’t denying herself, because she didn’t understand herself, and was always too hesitant to explore it.

It wasn’t denying herself when she didn’t understand why she was drawn to Abby, thinking perhaps the warmth in her chest was due to witnessing those superior bedside manners that Neela so painfully lacked.

It happened so slowly it was easy not to notice, until one day she was living with Abby, sleeping on her coach, playing housewife, albeit a terrible one, that she realized that she didn’t want it to end.

If it were up to her, she could stay there indefinitely. Always wanting more, but never knowing what, that undefined want trapped alongside all the others she was too afraid to explore, manifesting only in the certitude that she shouldn’t leave, just as she knew she couldn’t stay in Michigan. She didn’t know what she wanted, only what she didn’t want.

Perhaps she could have figured it out, given more time, if only Abby hadn’t implied she should be getting ready to leave.


End file.
